Master of violence

Pain mingled with my soul and they became familiar with each other. My soul got addicted to the stings and the pain found a friend in me. I was locked in for nineteen years, tortured, humiliated and abused.

The damp corners and dry wrists were the reality I couldn’t escape. I lost the will to dream about getting out. My cold sweat was burning from my hot skin that is harmed and bruised.

I was only able to sleep when I’m ordered, I ate what I was given. I woke up not knowing what time of the day it was, or if it was daytime even. I wouldn’t know. I lost control along with hope and I became full of fears.

The need to control and be controlled, the need to give in and take over. I have my needs but they include my free will. To be prisoned in there for time that I lost the sense of it was the psychological pain, that and the sound of the beating, the chains and the whips.

The plaints filled that lonely place, I was in there … I was in there … My heart wanted to quit on me most of the time. I couldn’t breathe when I broke and I couldn’t do a thing to get my freedom or to prevent those rosy flesh marks.

Till I was finally released to the outer world … That was after almost two decades of my life, gone and wasted. Not knowing that I was trained to be one of them. I got it all out, the suppression. It was my turn to control and take over. My freedom came with a new identity and secretiveness.

No part of me shall be locked in anymore. I shall see the light and the light shall see me but it will never break through my dark side whom I fear the most. Love and punishment are two separated matters. However, the joy that rushes in my veins like a drug makes me feel like a lion toying with a deer between his claws.

Beg me for mercy, get out of my way, don’t look me in the eyes and don’t speak because I only want to hear my own steps feeding fears inside you and the thumbing of your confused heart. To see that fragile stare, to look at you shudder and to feel you near my feet where you should be, where you belong, where I have been.

Not knowing how much time I have left, I have to make the best of it. For the fun,the pain that comes with crawling pleasure and for the burning desire to put them through the poisonous experience. Here’s to taming, domestication and the urge to corrupt the submissive innocents.

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I want to feel …

How did I turn out to be like that? Like this … I don’t know me anymore, I’m looking at the mirror and I see my demon staring back at me.

I lost my feelings, so I began to borrow some from others. I became addicted, I even started to appreciate fear experiences. I have literally felt everything and there is nothing much left to steal.

I tried to escape but now I have to live with it. I ripped people’s feelings out and now they have nothing inside, just like me. They became monsters too but I haven’t left them with much to feed on. Now what? I need to feel human again, even if that means that I have to do inhuman things.

I didn’t choose to be me but I can stop being me, would you let me see life through your eyes? To feel what you felt … Anger, fear, sorrow, love and all? Leave me but don’t leave me in hunger! If you were me, what would you choose? Starvation or salivation?

Life, responsibilities, misdeeds and freedom

What an old lady from hell! She is picking up pieces of earth like she’s picking up flowers and she is scooping out crumbled street like she would scoop vanilla ice cream! She is running after me … Picking, throwing, scooping and throwing …

AAAh! The gravity is trying to squish my spine! I must fight back … I will look up to the sky to hold my head high with all the power I have left …

Wait, what is that heavy weight burdening my shoulders? That weight took a form of a green old skinny man who is clutching on my back and piercing my skin with his long dirty nails. If I give in she will win and if I kept my pride I will break.

Lemons are rolling towards me … What would I do with lemons? “Make lemonade.” she said as she laughed in mockery. Home is where I want to be; where I can cry alone. “Turn me into a bird!” At last! I am free to fly back to my golden cage.