Dear diary

The more I am aware of my existence the crazier I get … I chose to see without the seal and accept them; those who live between us, I mean. My behaviour has changed since I became more aware of them. When I go to wash for the Maghreb prayer I move subconsciously in the bathroom in circles and my mind wanders off to discuss stupid small worthless conversations which are not related to each other. Maybe I’m taking them out of my system?

When my mother wakes me up for the Fajer prayer, I wake up laughing at her and I stay in bed till my mind wakes me up, I don’t remember laughing at her. In my prayers, I remember silly matters and try to hold my giggles by pinching myself. Last night I lost control over my body and I danced almost like I gave in to the music and my hair got messed up like the hair of a mad woman’s. I see my mom sometimes looking through the window with a fragile look on her face and a broken back, she looks too disappointed.

Last night though, I had the sweetest dream and I asked myself in my dream – “Am I dreaming? This is too good to be true … It is real!” Then I woke up and my mind made up its mind to check my arm. Yes, my mind, my soul and I are three individuals sharing a body. I couldn’t move my right hand at all, I tried to imagine it opening and closing but it doesn’t work. I thought “Is this a nightmare?” No, it is real. It’s six am in the morning and I am crying. I tried to move my fingers with my other hand but they won’t move, they were stiff and hard, I feared that they would break. I tried moving my wrist but it falls till the very end as if it’s dead. I tried to wake my hand up but there was no use. When I felt it, it felt like it’s another person’s hand, a Mannequin’s! It didn’t feel human at all, I felt betrayed.

I started to cry like a mother would on her dead child. I stopped to finally conclude – “My dream, it was too sweet, someone was trying to keep me in it so they can manage to kill my hand. Who was it? Why? What do they want?” I didn’t sleep yet, I’m too frightened! Oh please god, oh thank god! I won’t sleep for I fear the death of my hand!

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I’m a human too

You think I’m mad? I have to go through hell back and forth, a beast within a man, a man within a beast. The hair, the itching, the twitching, the new skin, the fingers curling … You think you know how to feel like Gregor Samsa? I’m sure not Gregor but I can relate! The great rise in temperature, I’m not sick but I am.

To where I run, to whom? I can’t but run into my unfortunate victims, they can’t run either. I have this effect on them, where they freeze … I’m sure it’s my irresistible charm and that smile of mine. Darkness is my only friend; where I live. A part of me is the shadows of the night.

I can’t hide from what I am and they can’t hide either. My hunger for human flesh doesn’t make me inhuman, my needs and imperfections are enough proof to my humanity. I show my inner beast and you hide yours but it doesn’t make you better, you hypocrites.