Pulled down to stay

A black hole is contained in an expanding mass … The hole expands along with the expanding waste of space and resources. There’s nothing inside … there’s nothing worthy to see but dark emptiness of self hate and self destruction.

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Fragile thoughts …

In a corner curled up pulling my legs up to my chest … Trying to put myself together. In a breakpoint I am … Helpless and cold. My heart is squeezing my tears out and my chest is full of silent screams to not wake anyone up or because of my sore throat.

I have the urge to change my body, change my identity, change my country, the people and start all over again. I crave a white background so badly instead of this mess which I hate being in. I’m confused and fearful of things that are considered to be shameful.

Suffocated with fire burning inside I think … Will I be alone forever? Will this suffering ever end? I feel ignorant, frustrated and angry. I cover my mirrors, I avoid the truth. I am surrounded by ignorant people who pull me down instead of up. Even if I was blessed to have wings, where would I go to? To whom? Nowhere, nobody.

I fear the light because I was taught that it is wrong. I stay in the darkness because it is all that I’m used to know. What is it like to love yourself and accept it? Will I ever know? I have trophies, certificates but they make me feel bitter not better. I feel less in ever way.

I feel hate and apathy raising in me and growing like death flowers or evil children. Nothing means anything and nothing makes sense. I can’t I won’t …. Will I? I want to live but I am blind … How can I break free? Will I ever? … I can’t sleep and I don’t know how to go out.

I don’t have any value in my life because I live in a tomb. I never had Yeses in my childhood. It was always No, don’t, slaps, wrong, sit still, study, obey. I grew up in the shadows as expected and said No to all of the chances because failure was no option.

Why won’t you let me be me? Why am I wrong in every way? Why am I me? Why can’t I be let free? Why can’t I escape? Why am I here? Why can’t I choose? Why must I live? Why are these people contradicted? Why am I not worthy to be loved? Will I ever find the solution? Will I ever be lucky to take the journey? …

Maybe it is salivation in the way to numb my stings with a small tickle on my wrists or a gentle rope on my neck and a simple snap. Maybe I can walk it off with a run to the cliff and a jump that will be my first and last attempt to feel alive. I am in a grave anyway and this time food, sleep or redecorating won’t fix it.

“Where am I going? Where have I been?” Always gets to me …
I’m going to bed and I hope that I don’t wake up tomorrow because I have nothing waiting for me … I hope that I go to heaven in the end for going through hell once is enough.

I’m not sorry for everyone whom I have ever disappointed because I know that I can’t live up to your high standards. What doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger and life doesn’t smile back. My lack of things is because of my leak and it is a scar that I have to live with. For all of you who want something from me, I don’t have it.

It grew old and it went cold till it collapsed and it was no more

Clouds of dust gave birth to a star.
A star that is not yet charted …
It is born by prayers from wars,
to wish upon for the good hearted.

The star kept glowing for time …
Giving light in the absolute darkness.
It stopped trying for it is a waste, a crime
to be unappreciated by the heartless.

There it was abandoned left to die …
To face the fate of being a black hole.
It kept weeping and wondering why …
Why has this had happened as whole?

The moon said to the black hole:
“You are still a star to me.”
… “Look into my dark soul …”
… “All what is in is gold to see!”

“I am the absence of the light,
I am the silence of the night.
All I do is pull, clutch and take,
and there is no decision to make.

I blend with the darkness as one,
isn’t it funny how I love the sun?
The sun does not agree with the moon,
and it won’t change its mind any soon.

The sun says that I am the reality.
A reality that shattered its dreams.
I am the example of abnormality,
not the queen of love realms.

Everyday I am blown away …
With the heat of its explosions!
The sun is there to save the day …
With warmth and devotion!

One day the moon will break.
The earth will start to shake.
The sun will melt and fall,
and I will swallow it all.”

Black and white picture

I still have a black and white picture … It is clearer this way, I get to see his true face and kiss those wrinkles; caused by his overdosed smiles. His true face … I can see it in his soul through those charming eyes.
He looked at me, and with one look he elicited my soul out so forcibly as if he called it forth and it obeyed … I felt like a lab rat, he was testing his control on me.

The best reason to hate him is that he made me smile once. His smile, on the other hand, is innocent and the most deceiving.
I remember the first time we had a connection … Our souls bonded and we had access to each other’s thoughts. We come from different tribes he and I, I come from the “Qatala”; the most deadliest and cruelest creatures. He is what you call a common, but he is unique.

We can never be together, we are different like water and fire. He is the symbol of Love and I am the symbol of Hate and chaos will fall on us like rain if the two mix. He has special powers of forcing his love into the coldest and he kills with kindness which I think is pathetic. His purity teases me, I hate the way he treats me, it makes me weak.
I see him sometimes, I avoid looking in those eyes, they have their way to make me feel like a human again and I resent it.

I am sure that he saw the darkness in my eyes and now sees me as one of his charity works … That light in your light soul has no cure for my black spirit. I see him sometimes doing the “Gaith” dance; it brings fortune to the poor ones, I see him juggling planets like they’re nothing too. I see him painting souls with feelings and it was disgusting, I see him riding the “Mumit” for fun; Mumit is a beast that can tear you in parts with one move. I also see him bringing life with a snap of a finger; bringing memories into thin air for people to see, and when I see him I see myself in chains too.

Sometimes I see him as an amusement; a clown. Sometimes I feel that he has my heart in his bare hands and it bleeds when he closes his fist; a master. I am the child of the desert and the sea and I shall return into dust when the sun rises from the west. My end, however, feels nearer when I see the threat in the heart of that child like man. I hope he never becomes my enemy, for he has great power on me. I hope he never becomes my lover, for he is such a distraction. I hope he stays nothing, that worthless half human.