Depth of Free will … to give up or walk towards fate?

People screaming at my direction … “Stop”!
“You will drop ..You will fall” then eyes stare
… No … Let it flow … Despair for inspiration..
Thoughts cross over but will I ? Fears shaking

Trembling with huge feet on thin sharp doom
It’s cutting through but we will make it through
walk towards death guided to an unknown mob
Hell beneath burning filthy baby steps “give up”!

Balance doesn’t exist, blindfolded & Mad Noises
Block them out to let in whispers of wealthy lips
Sensing hair which stand to salute to begin to end
Desires climbing out of its throat to choke me dead

My first accidental experience in … I don’t really know

I knew that I was dreaming so I turned a whole circle around myself. The dream seemed to pull away like wind pulls sand or it was more like it was sucked into a black hole cell by cell.

I tried not to get sucked along with the scene so I firmly tried to stand still on the ground holding on like a tree in the storm. The scene changed around me and it is a dark wet castle with rooms, chambers and dungeons. Everything looked old and rusty but familiar.

I was able to control my surroundings and started to explore the castle with a person whom I have met in the dream. I wanted to fly so I commanded my mind to open a locked window and I flew out with a black cape above the river.

Small fears kept creeping into my dream but I was successful to remove them with a sign of my hand. It was more of a warning of something bigger to come. I finally landed and I saw a scary magician who was waiting for me to warn me but then he took off.

I went back to the castle to explore it more. I went into the rooms one by one to reveal their hidden stories until I came across a prison in a circular form with bars of steel locking in an old witch … She looks older than before.

I have always dreamt of her choking me when I was little and crushing my ribs with her tomb hugs. As a child I only had two dreams … One is about her and the other about a beast named the java and it always continued from where it stopped until I finally flew across hell gates and he fell and got trapped … But I have never got rid of her.

She is still living in the corners of my mind locked up but who knows till when … She interrupted my thoughts with a laugh that made her look like a crazy woman. Embracing the mould on the bars and the wrinkles on her hands made her look somehow blind to me. The smell was choking me instead.

I panicked and started to have small heart attacks so I tried to take the key that was on the table as if I was trying to catch my soul from being drifted away or trying to catch a beat more … To catch my breath. I gave the key to the stranger whom I was with and told him to keep it and that we will meet again. It was the key to the worst fear that haunted me my whole life and I entrusted a stranger to guard it.

Suddenly I saw myself in two places, I saw my body sleeping restfully but my back was stuck to the ceiling like a magnet. Watching myself from a birds view was strange but I finally got able to enter my body to only wake up paranoid and scared.

I felt earthquakes in my head and I tried to use the phone but when I called I heard a strong vibration that blocked my voice. My temperature is hot and I am freaked out by the electricity shocks that I felt along with my racing heart.

Perhaps it was the attempt of opening my third eye … All I did was looking in my mirror and focusing on its place. I imagined a closed eye opening and When it did open I looked inside and a strong voice called my name inside my head. I felt like I have been found after being lost but I was filled with doubts and fears so I have never looked inside again.

Fragile thoughts …

In a corner curled up pulling my legs up to my chest … Trying to put myself together. In a breakpoint I am … Helpless and cold. My heart is squeezing my tears out and my chest is full of silent screams to not wake anyone up or because of my sore throat.

I have the urge to change my body, change my identity, change my country, the people and start all over again. I crave a white background so badly instead of this mess which I hate being in. I’m confused and fearful of things that are considered to be shameful.

Suffocated with fire burning inside I think … Will I be alone forever? Will this suffering ever end? I feel ignorant, frustrated and angry. I cover my mirrors, I avoid the truth. I am surrounded by ignorant people who pull me down instead of up. Even if I was blessed to have wings, where would I go to? To whom? Nowhere, nobody.

I fear the light because I was taught that it is wrong. I stay in the darkness because it is all that I’m used to know. What is it like to love yourself and accept it? Will I ever know? I have trophies, certificates but they make me feel bitter not better. I feel less in ever way.

I feel hate and apathy raising in me and growing like death flowers or evil children. Nothing means anything and nothing makes sense. I can’t I won’t …. Will I? I want to live but I am blind … How can I break free? Will I ever? … I can’t sleep and I don’t know how to go out.

I don’t have any value in my life because I live in a tomb. I never had Yeses in my childhood. It was always No, don’t, slaps, wrong, sit still, study, obey. I grew up in the shadows as expected and said No to all of the chances because failure was no option.

Why won’t you let me be me? Why am I wrong in every way? Why am I me? Why can’t I be let free? Why can’t I escape? Why am I here? Why can’t I choose? Why must I live? Why are these people contradicted? Why am I not worthy to be loved? Will I ever find the solution? Will I ever be lucky to take the journey? …

Maybe it is salivation in the way to numb my stings with a small tickle on my wrists or a gentle rope on my neck and a simple snap. Maybe I can walk it off with a run to the cliff and a jump that will be my first and last attempt to feel alive. I am in a grave anyway and this time food, sleep or redecorating won’t fix it.

“Where am I going? Where have I been?” Always gets to me …
I’m going to bed and I hope that I don’t wake up tomorrow because I have nothing waiting for me … I hope that I go to heaven in the end for going through hell once is enough.

I’m not sorry for everyone whom I have ever disappointed because I know that I can’t live up to your high standards. What doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger and life doesn’t smile back. My lack of things is because of my leak and it is a scar that I have to live with. For all of you who want something from me, I don’t have it.

Just a thought …

Normal people scare me the most …
If they look normal then they’re hiding behind that …
Why are they hiding? What are they hiding?

You might think that a stereotype killer would be …
Weird, dressing in black, wears chains and has green spiky hair.
No, it’s always someone who looks normal.

That green haired dude has accepted his inner beast,
He’s not afraid of showing it because that’s natural.
That normal dude … He’s hiding his inner beast because it’s ugly.
In that way … His inner beast gets suppressed, suffocated and eager to go out and once he does he’s scarier, bigger, thirsty for blood and unstoppable.

Sad or sadistic?

Dead bodies fell from the sky like sweet rain would into the salty sea and the African orange peeks from behind the blues. It takes brave men to sacrifice themselves in unnecessary wars and it takes brave artists to admit that sometimes inspiration comes from the worst murders like this mass suicide.

A man in the horizon is crying, he has hair of waves and his lazy eye is the sun. Women in black and men in white went marching in lines through the thick water towards the sun to melt, to blend and to be.

If I can only stop to admire how beautiful this breathtaking horror looks but time does not exist anymore and that’s a shame. My sins are here for everyone to see as a carpet of red roses, and they scream as I walk on them and their blood flows underneath my feet to wash away, to wash off and to wash down.

The blind ones were lost between the giant swords, black feathers folded their eyes for us to know them and they danced on the sounds of the piano that played on our nerves, the generous man gave away his eye to the blind for them to feel fear again.

The Fire forced her presence and Arabian horses were born out from that fire to fly and take the children far away to their awaiting destinies beyond this pathetic life to start a new beginning with new ways to die for them to look forward to.

Great voices of echoes were spreading rumours about the naked sorrow in the grand theatre of life. Mirrors were surrounding us … Our stained truth was surrounding us. We only wore masks that were glued to our faces and they were torn off along with our faces but it was not an act at all.

I want to feel …

How did I turn out to be like that? Like this … I don’t know me anymore, I’m looking at the mirror and I see my demon staring back at me.

I lost my feelings, so I began to borrow some from others. I became addicted, I even started to appreciate fear experiences. I have literally felt everything and there is nothing much left to steal.

I tried to escape but now I have to live with it. I ripped people’s feelings out and now they have nothing inside, just like me. They became monsters too but I haven’t left them with much to feed on. Now what? I need to feel human again, even if that means that I have to do inhuman things.

I didn’t choose to be me but I can stop being me, would you let me see life through your eyes? To feel what you felt … Anger, fear, sorrow, love and all? Leave me but don’t leave me in hunger! If you were me, what would you choose? Starvation or salivation?

The fear of truth

What if you find a book that has all of the answers that you don’t want to know? Would you dare to read? What if then the way you see the world changes? Will you start to see people changing their skins? Will you see your chains which are made of humiliation?

Will you be inside a cage and its key is with a master of your fears? Will you even try to break free? A slave you are, a slave you will be when it falls into the hand of another slave for it is his only chance to switch. Will your blanket shrink then and stop covering your cold feet?

Never mind, you know what is scarier? If the answers were for Yes or No questions and all of them were Yeses. Now, after you read, a mighty door will open before you and strong white light comes out, will you go in or do you fear the light now?

Yes, it is me.

I got used to the darkness and I have made friends with my demons. I accepted the monsters who are inside of me instead of fighting them. Yes, I feel good about giving up. The light now hurts my eyes and I am too busy curing my headaches to dull the pain. Yet, I want to feel something, even if it is anger and loathing …

I’m dead rotting down here with false expectations and hope that is forever lost. I have lost the will to live and to be better. My fears blossom inside of me like flowers and I think they are beautiful. My kind sadness became my inspiration, I’m lucky that he visits me from time to time. I begun to appreciate my nightmares, for they give me better stories. My days though … They are all the same; pale, old, dusty and people are the wind.

My mind is filled with traps, dungeons and old castles with secret rooms and cold prisons. My thoughts are easily disturbed like the surface of the water, therefore I appreciate the screaming silence. I don’t want to be saved for there is nothing to be saved. I am the ruins; it is all black, burnt down, broken and abandoned. When you look in my eyes, you’ll see nothing for there is nothing inside, nothing good.

I’d rather stick needles in my heart than to feel neglect or attention. Poison runs in my veins instead of blood and apple chunks are cutting through my throat, I shall not speak but I shall release it from its leash to let it feed and grow from time to time. Maybe I have lost my self for good but I am too numb to care. Let it be, what is the worst thing that can happen?

My self

I sat there in a garden of heaven trying to summon my inner self to ask her things, to look up to her light and beauty. There were birds of white pearls, falling rivers of flowers, the sky was clear blue; a peaceful reflection of everything was displayed on this pure angelic sky and great waterfall poured from a single cloud and it turns to life giving light. I admired it all and I waited for her. I see a figure coming from a distance … Behind clarity extends mystery. As I hear calming flowing rivers my blood boils of curiosity.
Here she comes! The goddess of beauty and innocence …

What is that sound? What is going on? The earth is shaking! The light is fading, the sky is breaking, the water turns to lava and my garden is on fire! … My inner self, my higher self … Where is she? She is turning! Her hair is red, her skin is black stone and her face is … Why … She is the devil! I have been deceived. Thick black rain is dripping from the sky and darkness came over forcing me to face my demon … A battle is here to be and one will kill the other.

Confusion

He was standing there waiting for her, searching for her face in those blurred faces. He caught her at last and she from under her shades has caught his eyes whose patience was wearing thin and that overwhelmed her as she smiled out of true happiness. That smile of hers made his lips wave back with hope but her smile soon had faded into deep sadness due to the clarity of the situation; he can’t be hers and that made her furious. His smile faded too like sunset when her two seconds smile was gone.

His eyes followed the confusing movements of her lips and that left him thinking with mixed emotions. “What is it he wants? … Looking at me with those puppy eyes … The fool thinks I would fall for such an innocent look.” He evoked her emotions with his playfulness and that has offended her most. She refuses to submit to any kind of power and him trying to do so without even trying made her hate him most. “That smile has slipped my face”.

For reasons she does not know and can not understand, she envied him. “The way he looked through me made me feel naked and exposed as if he can see my soul through transparent glass and that scares me most.” “Does he look at all women that way? Of coarse he does, he lied to me without saying a word!” She forces on a face of apathy but sadness breaks through like the truth and light would find their way through the cracks. “Every time I see him I stand straight pulling myself together … It’s stupid and pathetic.” She wasn’t all together! She’s a paradox in a human form.

“We just can’t be together so let me be …” She is grey and he is spring, she is darkness and he is light, he is hope and she is despair, he is the dream and she is a nightmare, he is whole and she is incomplete, he is strong and she is broken, he is very alive and she is dead, he is loved and she is a stranger. “It just doesn’t make sense.”

What can she do but to avoid looking into his deep eyes for they only made her feel pain, for they are one of her new fears and impossible desires. The quiet ones … Who are they but over thinkers? They would make great writers too, since they’re bad talkers. Here’s a little secret; they are not quiet at all their emotions are screaming inside shaking them and choking their throats as they ignore by trying to look calm and together.