“Am I next?” I thought as I walked by a cemetry in Turkey. They were people like me, I am no god. Will I die? That is out of question. What about my pitiful misdeeds … will I carry their heavy weight on my chest? Will they fit in my grave? In the darkness lays green. Who is that man standing before me? Why do I feel pulled and submissive?
Fear of death is suddenly clear and planted. Stranger, Are you reading my thoughts?! Stop shuffling them on your poker table. I am only grey fading to white. As the healing illness runs through my veins I can hear his only loud thought – “You are next.”
My mother, who is obsessed with order, told me today -“Stop building castles from sand, it will only create waves of rage and drown you.” Dying inhaling my dreams sounds like a good escape to me. I built my castles of sand and it will not break, but fly with the wind and settle everywhere chaotically like petals do when seasons change.
I want my dreams to be everywhere and out of order. I’d rather drown in my beautiful dreams than to be choked with the bare hands of reality; the serial killer of love and fantasy. It is the air in this sick world that is suffocating, I’d rather drown my head in emotions which are carried under those overwhelming waves of rage.
Closing my ears won’t help losing those loathsome voices, their laughs and ugly prayers only got louder. One day I invited them on a feast of children and sat them down on a round silver table … They all came waiting to eat, looking at me with their bulging eyes and crooked smiles. I locked the doors and white weapons were hiding in my cupboard, I opened it wide and I saw the fear in their eyes, they screamed in horror and it was pleasure to my eyes.
I brought out an axe and slaughtered them like little lamps and I did all of the nasty things they wanted me to do before. In the end, I cut them in pieces and piled their repellent parts and ripped out guts on the red table and I sat them on fire, they were the candles that lit my dinner. Mmmm spine-chilling. I am happy to say that I have never heard more than four voices again.