Depth of Free will … to give up or walk towards fate?

People screaming at my direction … “Stop”!
“You will drop ..You will fall” then eyes stare
… No … Let it flow … Despair for inspiration..
Thoughts cross over but will I ? Fears shaking

Trembling with huge feet on thin sharp doom
It’s cutting through but we will make it through
walk towards death guided to an unknown mob
Hell beneath burning filthy baby steps “give up”!

Balance doesn’t exist, blindfolded & Mad Noises
Block them out to let in whispers of wealthy lips
Sensing hair which stand to salute to begin to end
Desires climbing out of its throat to choke me dead

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Pulled down to stay

A black hole is contained in an expanding mass … The hole expands along with the expanding waste of space and resources. There’s nothing inside … there’s nothing worthy to see but dark emptiness of self hate and self destruction.

Fragile thoughts …

In a corner curled up pulling my legs up to my chest … Trying to put myself together. In a breakpoint I am … Helpless and cold. My heart is squeezing my tears out and my chest is full of silent screams to not wake anyone up or because of my sore throat.

I have the urge to change my body, change my identity, change my country, the people and start all over again. I crave a white background so badly instead of this mess which I hate being in. I’m confused and fearful of things that are considered to be shameful.

Suffocated with fire burning inside I think … Will I be alone forever? Will this suffering ever end? I feel ignorant, frustrated and angry. I cover my mirrors, I avoid the truth. I am surrounded by ignorant people who pull me down instead of up. Even if I was blessed to have wings, where would I go to? To whom? Nowhere, nobody.

I fear the light because I was taught that it is wrong. I stay in the darkness because it is all that I’m used to know. What is it like to love yourself and accept it? Will I ever know? I have trophies, certificates but they make me feel bitter not better. I feel less in ever way.

I feel hate and apathy raising in me and growing like death flowers or evil children. Nothing means anything and nothing makes sense. I can’t I won’t …. Will I? I want to live but I am blind … How can I break free? Will I ever? … I can’t sleep and I don’t know how to go out.

I don’t have any value in my life because I live in a tomb. I never had Yeses in my childhood. It was always No, don’t, slaps, wrong, sit still, study, obey. I grew up in the shadows as expected and said No to all of the chances because failure was no option.

Why won’t you let me be me? Why am I wrong in every way? Why am I me? Why can’t I be let free? Why can’t I escape? Why am I here? Why can’t I choose? Why must I live? Why are these people contradicted? Why am I not worthy to be loved? Will I ever find the solution? Will I ever be lucky to take the journey? …

Maybe it is salivation in the way to numb my stings with a small tickle on my wrists or a gentle rope on my neck and a simple snap. Maybe I can walk it off with a run to the cliff and a jump that will be my first and last attempt to feel alive. I am in a grave anyway and this time food, sleep or redecorating won’t fix it.

“Where am I going? Where have I been?” Always gets to me …
I’m going to bed and I hope that I don’t wake up tomorrow because I have nothing waiting for me … I hope that I go to heaven in the end for going through hell once is enough.

I’m not sorry for everyone whom I have ever disappointed because I know that I can’t live up to your high standards. What doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger and life doesn’t smile back. My lack of things is because of my leak and it is a scar that I have to live with. For all of you who want something from me, I don’t have it.

Life and death decisions

“I belong to death and my skin is its borrowed suit. I am not free but I can choose the time, the place and the way …”

The mysterious man jumped off that chair … What a small pathetic chair! I watched him die and I admired his courage. I am in love with the dead man … His first words to me were his last and our first last meeting was the first last date.

He was looking up and now his face is down, he was standing on his feet and now hanged like the hangman game … What a silent game.

The darkness was around him and I have lived in darkness all of my life. I know how it smells and how it tastes. Darkness is the horrible medicine when the light can not heal.

He was surrounded by darkness before he died. In fact, he was the only source of the light in that closed room. His skin was so pure like the moon but unlike its reflective nature he had light of his own.

I am in a dilemma, should I take his body or follow his soul?

The killer and the thief

I went through the trees to see an empty house, the door was opened yet light refused to go in. I wondered what lays in the depth of the darkness. My grandmother says that the darkness is made by a crowd of dark souls … Now why are they all trapped inside?

I got in and suddenly I was the light and I saw my path written by my fate. The sound of music came to my heart then to my ears and it was nothing like I have ever heard before. The music pulled me in to a room where a devil plays a violin.

“Child, come inside. Stop hiding yourself with that light.”
“I thought darkness hides and deceives and truth shines in the light.”
“Darkness reveals our true souls, unaffected with the beauty of the skin and it lets you see your fears that were absent in the light.”
“I can see your face … It’s nothing I would want to see. Your eyes are wiped out like pencil tracks on paper and you’re darker than this darkness!”
“Didn’t you see the beauty in my sounds? Free me from my prison and I shall give you my wings.”

“What will those wings give me?”
“You will be able to travel in a blink, I will give you a position in our kingdom and you will be the last human to die.”
“Why would I want to be the last and lose my loved ones?”
“I will give you a book and inside you will find all of the answers.”
“Where is the key then?”
“That, you must find out on your own.”
“Who locked you in?”
He ignored to play the violin again …

She went out to see … Where is the key?
She stepped on pain and she cried in agony …
It was a room of thorns placed to kill but not the virgins and in the very end shines a rose that was one of a kind. She wanted it like a baby wants his bottle of milk and she stepped on every thorn there was to reach the rose that was worth the trouble. Then she had to walk out and that was worse.

The rose spoke to the little one …
“Don’t fall for the wings! He eats the virgin girls! My prince locked him in so he can’t steal the children anymore.”
“He promised me things and he plays poetic music … How can something evil be so beautiful?”
“I am responsible for the spring … If you don’t put me back all of the roses will die! There will be just the cold winter and the dead autumn.”
“Be quiet.”

She came into the next room to see an old pale woman was combing her long white hair while she was mumbling and laughing by her own.
She had one look at the girl with her red eyes and flew to her as fast as a hunting hawk who went for his prey. The girl froze in fear and the old woman jumped on her forcing her to obey and hold still. A necklace was hanging from her wrinkled neck and it was pointing at the girl’s mouth.
“You’ll be a better dinner … I’ll stuff you first with onions then I’ll cook you with my herbs, then …” She grabbed the necklace and ran as fast as her legs could. “COME BACK WITH MY HEART!!!”

The old woman couldn’t leave the room and that was a relief.
“I wonder what I’ll get my hands on next … What if I tied the necklace on the rose?” She did exactly that then they flew and she went to catch them.
They dropped suddenly on the ground and it was the sound that broke the silence … Suddenly a grand coffin started to shake and someone came out. It was a handsome prince!

“Thank you for setting me free … How can I repay you?”
“I … I was trying to free the poor demon in the prison.”
“I will set him free if you marry me.”
“Yes! I do.”

The birds flew from every window, light finally came in … Beautiful servants carried the wedding dress, the place turned into a garden of colours, the rose turned into a crown and the necklace into a ring.

They kissed after the marriage vows then the place faded away …
It was the demon himself … His way out of the prison was through the coffin and his way out of the house was a bride that will fall for the spell of beauty.
He smiled at her with his ugly face, the crown turned into dust then nature died and now she is the devil’s wife in a portrait of washed off brown, grey and pale death with no wings to escape.

On the edge

Hello blue eyes … I haven’t seen you in a while. Last time I lacked the faith and courage, but I’m a whole new girl now. I grew up but I see that you haven’t changed, you have the same pure soothing depth that you had before.

I trust you with all of my secrets and burdens even though your only response is a comforting whisper, your calming smell and your trials of carrying them far away to the sunset. I feel you flow in life, I feel you break and merge and I hear you call my name every night.

I love the way your smooth fingers play on my face like the playful breeze and I love the buried stories in your treasure chest that you tell me. Take me in when I fall into your mysterious arms, embrace me with your weakness and your strength. Heal my wounds and wash my soul from my stains as I breathe you all in.

I have the need to dip into the darkness and disappear like the mermaid’s story in reverse. I want to float, to dream, to be free, to be saved, to live and to sleep. I’m just a step away … One more step to go beyond, to you, for my rebirth to begin.

*squelch*

The fear of truth

What if you find a book that has all of the answers that you don’t want to know? Would you dare to read? What if then the way you see the world changes? Will you start to see people changing their skins? Will you see your chains which are made of humiliation?

Will you be inside a cage and its key is with a master of your fears? Will you even try to break free? A slave you are, a slave you will be when it falls into the hand of another slave for it is his only chance to switch. Will your blanket shrink then and stop covering your cold feet?

Never mind, you know what is scarier? If the answers were for Yes or No questions and all of them were Yeses. Now, after you read, a mighty door will open before you and strong white light comes out, will you go in or do you fear the light now?