Let me win, my adrenaline

Let me try to be more right for you …
I’ll get lost in war but if I’m ever found
I’ll make love meeting your eyes & more
With all of the sparks that fly around.

Hush now save all your sounds …
To the nights that’ll turn us round!
I am unworthy of you, but I will try!
To deserve you, an angel to be all mine.

I want to … I want it! It’s sad.
Damn it … I want you so bad!
Let me try to win your love over!
Be my lover, rain on my dry sins.

Wash my pain, touch my skin …
Play music on my lonely lips …
Wish, fill the silence, feel my kisses
Shhh, now make a smile for me to ruin.

My head spins at the sight of perfect 10,
At the sighs at the grins at the shy red!
I want to win! I want to win! Winning you
is the best thing to me that might happen.

A servant who longed for freedom for so long

It was an exotic egg … Its shell is a gargantuan crimson gemstone, a very red ruby decorated with deep lines of gold and vivid emerald jewels. It sat peacefully between the burning flames, so precious and heavy. I was tempted with its beauty and mystery … What is inside? I want to see it crack in front of my eyes to please them like those wild nights I have.

I was hired personally by Lucifer himself and well I was the best thief in my country, no one has ever managed to overcome my brilliant schemes or even think like I do. I am proud to be chosen as one of his followers. Loyalty however is out of question, you can’t expect a thief to be loyal.

My master was proud enough to put me as his right hand to manage things in his castle which is located in the Bermuda Triangle. Ships of strong men have came to that forbidden area but have been concealed by the soldiers for they have not gained permission to pass. Sympathy was not an option and they all got killed except for those who can come in handy to spread evil.

I was lucky enough to survive between those thousands of dead men. It was my sinful hands that saved me from being dead. My job was exciting for I had the chance to be invisible and sweet talk in the ears of people who are tempted to steal and I have not participated in their awful crimes but I have suggested a few ideas and plans for them to follow. They had their option and free will so it is not I who must take the blame.

For every accomplishment I get rewarded with more wealth to carry and women. All I had ever wanted to have was that egg which was as crimson as my deeds and days, it was crimson like the blood boiling in my crimson heart. Those black and maroon flames of fire which I see are reflecting in my eyes for they hold all of my desires within its hot filthy embraces.

I am a weak human and a desperate one who is unworthy of trust. I betrayed the demon who took me in to raise me as his own son. I took place as a royal guard and he sat me next to him and gave me the honour of holding his sword. He spoke to me as a part of him which he is proud of and about me as an example to follow.

My best friend is a demon who can be summoned by the playing of any normal flute but there were specific notes to hit. That’s why songs are forbidden in the books of religion, each instrument is capable of calling in a demon. Their names were sounds of music. Some songs play those notes in your head to make this specific demon follow you around and fill your head with what it has as a duty.

This best friend had no good qualities about him. Not a single stroke of goodness has ever touched his heart. I’m not even sure he has one. I’m in love with his captivating sister though, she’s a mischievous siren who dances in human parties disguised to seduce and clutch men’s hearts to commit adultery.

I thought I have seen it all and lived it all but I yearned for that egg, the curiosity took away my sleep and occupied my thoughts leaving no place for new plans. I’m disappointing my master and colleagues these days too much and I might have been thrown to die if he hadn’t clutched to my days of glory in the stories he tells about my accomplishments and betrayal to my own kind.

I served in that place for a long time, I stopped counting a long time ago. I have an opportunity to escape every year yet I never take it. I’m too afraid to face my god and what I have done with my time. I don’t just carry my sins but also the sins of the many whom I have charmed. I’m taking my chances this year. They get locked up for a month, that special month of the year.

That month when they don’t do their duties, humans still sin. It is only a proof that you have to blame it on yourself. That month is my vacation where I spend it freely in some cold country until it finishes. When I have to return I touch my necklace which has the power to carry me from anywhere to anywhere in a blink and gets me recognised as one of them.

The necklace is gold, it has a thick chain with an eye as the symbol. The eye is hollow surrounded by diamonds and one is purposely missing and a hole is placed instead. The pupil has three circles of different hues of blue. The deepest one is the darkest and the most intense then surrounded by the colour of the sea then the colour of the sky. The pupil was alive, it was real fire that I carry on my neck.

I wore it with questions and acceptance. What is it really for? Is he watching me through that eye? What happens if I ever take it off? I sold my soul and I am a slave … To whom exactly? Could it be to the owner of this eye? Am I following Lucifer or the one eyed man who lives in the trapped island under the Bermuda Triangle along with that strange looking hairy creature?

The month is coming, my curiosity will end.

Smart, lazy and lucky

I styled my short hair and wore my Nike sneakers to get ready for school.
School was like a jungle, the stronger is the survivor. Do I have my weapons? Yes, the scissor is in my pencil case and my iron bottle is in my bag. Great! I’m fully ready to go to war. No perfume on but the pheromones of a predator and a rush of adrenaline.

I sat my foot inside the gates of hell smelling like trouble and smelled trouble. I was welcomed by the teachers with the daily inspection. My lame ID card was on my neck too … That ugly picture, I wore glasses, buttons closed and a geeky smile. It was supposed to be a joke but it became a real joke. “You have your ID card?” “Are you blind?” “Show me your nails cat.” So I almost shoved my hands into her stupid face for her to see closely this time and walked away.

I walked into the box that is called a class. I was a science student but I didn’t fit in that category for I was a magnet for all the bad things and incidents. The students in the class with me all were nice but I wasn’t. I loved English but I hated the teachers I schooled them instead and we both hated it. I gave the class daily lectures about personal hygiene, It’s a lost cause but I never lost hope.

One day they decided to lock the classes in the morning until the first period starts and leave us out there under the burning sun. I couldn’t let that happen, so I climbed that box, opened the window and got in injuring my legs with scars from that sharp inner frame or still or whatever it’s called then I helped the rest of them by putting out a chair. The suspension of getting caught was nice until all of the other students copied our fine work.

Every juicy thing I do was the final straw. It seemed like I had some mafia immunity on or something. It was strange that I never got expelled really. Even that time when I cooperated with the working lady to sneak me in a fast meal in exchange for another meal for her or that time when I skipped the sleeping guardian and went out to the cold-store to get food because the cafeteria sucked and ended up getting caught along with a stolen test and a lighter.

Lucky me I stole the wrong test. I’m not saying it sarcastically, it helped me out when I got caught and she actually laughed at how stupid I was. I definitely have put lots of effort into not getting caught though. I walked into the teachers room, opened the drawer, stole it from under their noses and hid it in my secret pocket without anyone noticing. I had skilled fingers and an undiscovered talent. The lighter was a prank, it gives you an electric shock when you try to light it. I told her to try to light it when she asked me about the cigarettes, surprisingly it made things worse.

When math comes up we take out our Ouija board. By we I mean the girls around me whom I have corrupted by my bad influence as the teachers would say. We made that Ouija board ourselves. Most of the time I was secretly moving the coin to have fun and they believed everything the ghost said. As I said I’m really good in English and I’m even better in making up stories.

We would skip classes but one has to stay to sit in the back and say “Yes” in different tones when our names get called for taking attendance. Then we would collect insects, cats and such creatures to release them in class and pretend to be scared and refuse to go inside to waste as much time as possible. We hated the cafeteria but we always skip the period before recess to avoid the barbarians and savages. I lied to the cafeteria lady saying that my origins were from her country and used some vocabulary I knew that helped me to get in front of the line if I had to.

Recess was tough, everyone had suppressed energy and everyone was aggressive. School was a cage and well there were two recesses as if one wasn’t enough. The first one was half an hour long and the second was fifteen minutes and there were no shades as if they needed more reasons to boil. We would get ready for war before coming out, to be criticised, to be pushed, to be blamed, to be called with names and to be terrorised.

I had lots of enemies and I usually walk in a circle around the main ground, I almost was drawing a defining line of my property. Everyone knew where to find me and knew that I stood there carelessly with eyes that carried no judgment on the weak but resentment to those wannabes and a mouth with a curve that is challenging. I was there but I wanted to be anywhere else, anywhere out.

My enemies were all bullies. I hate to be bothered and wish to be left in peace, I am calm but not when I’m pushed too far. I don’t know any karate or some martial arts but I don’t mind applying the moves that I see on my play station game WWE in real life.

Watching the freak show sitting and biting on my apple, two bullies came sneaking to bully my friends. We all went quiet because it was the routine until that word came out of her mouth. When I saw her lips move saying that word I lost it. I pushed her all the way to a door and smacked her on that solid wall. Her friend came in fear trying to pull her away.

I was surprised by a fist that hit my teeth and it hurt with my braces put on from the back. The little rat ran away but I’ll catch her. My loyal friends gathered to be a part of this Great War for they are true warriors. We gathered to wait until she came with her own sort.

Let the games begin? No, she had to get out of it with the least damage to her reputation. She was a running mouth like a barking dog. She sent two of them to pretend that they’re coming for us but then with a signal of her hand she said – “Don’t waste your time on these pathetic people, they’re not worth it.”

Will I let it end? It’s not her choice to make and I was hungry and thirsty for a fight. I went up to her and told her to talk to my bored shoe because it was the only thing she was fit to do and that she should buy a mirror to see how an ugly monkey she is. It was childish but I never said that I was not and neither were my friends who laughed at her. I followed my short speech with a spit that was aimed at them all.

They followed us, called us and we stood tall. There was this one girl who was huge, tall and fat. She was scary and I had that funny fear where I thought that she could simply sit on me and I would stop breathing. I acted tough at that point and I took my iron bottle to get it ready but the stupid monkey hit it and it swung to hit my friend’s nose.

My friend jumped on her like a cheetah jumping on a zebra and started eating her with punches and scratches. The fat one, I started to swing my bottle on her skin leaving purple bruises on but then she fell on two of my friends and were gasping for air beneath that big mass. I became busy trying to pull her up to save them.

When she got up she started bear hugging my friends, lifting them off the ground and shaking them. Damn it from where did this monster suddenly came?! Everyone in the school got into this fight to beat the bullies up too. We didn’t know any of the students who jumped in with us. I didn’t have to do anything for some time, I saw the peaceful scene of the bullies getting crushed under feet with missing hair on their heads and dirt on their faces.

I was there with my weapon defending my friends from that dragon and I was sorry that I own short nails to those stupid rules but my friends got away with long nails somehow. It was a revolution against the bullies and it should’ve been documented to see them red crying in pain and begging for mercy.

It was karma, that day was a beautiful day. I almost danced on the sounds of their fingers getting bent back, it was dreamy … I had moments where I was completely blank and blind and some intense moments of getting back to reality to break backs with my iron bottle. Most of my enemies were on a trip that day and well I’m lucky, actually blessed.

The fight went on and on despite the screams of horror the teachers were making and it only broke with the sound of broken glass on the ground aiming for my head as I moved away in the last second. Everyone ran away and scattered along with the glass. I was happy to see them cry like little babies in humiliation.

They complained us of course, only my name was known but I took two of my friends with me. I walked in using reverse psychology which is something they didn’t teach us at school of course for they only teach rubbish. “Bad people judge after hearing one side of the story, never mind my story. I’m going to complain this school to the ministry of education. I’m a science student! I come to learn not to fight! I’m an A student as well and I have my name in two of the lists of honoured students. You know what … Call my dad right now! I want him to know how bad this school is and the loss of control you have in it!”

“There’s no need to call your dad, don’t be upset! It will get solved, we’ve got this.” With smelling fear and threat in their eyes after their judgmental auras I feel victory in their shaking tones and I got away with it. She demanded names and we did not surrender then she called them in to confront us but we both denied everything and it was a dead end.

The next day the bullies were absent mostly are injured. This second day was the result of hard work not mentioning that I complained back to the toughest person of authority in school to have them all warned. I even went to her class to terrorise her colleagues who were talking about the fight, it was funny how they were afraid of me and were silent. I took her full name planning on something but when I was about to do it I found out that she was an orphan and I let it go.

The third day was victorious too for we saw how broken and weak they looked and the students were all bullying them and laughing in their faces, the air is finally fresh and the justice took coarse. Now all I will think of is my graduation day and which part of the book to study for my finals and good techniques to distract the teachers to swap papers.

I can’t say that I had fun in school but I made the most of it. Stupid rules are meant to be broken and so are bullies. Memories are funny when they carry sadness and anger. I’m foolish but I know how to have fun and I have loyal friends, they’re so loyal they don’t know I still exist but nothing matters except for the times that were spent right. I regret nothing for I made an adventure out of those pale school days. People are still talking about that fight and people we never saw pretended to be a part of it because it was that awesome.

Fragile thoughts …

In a corner curled up pulling my legs up to my chest … Trying to put myself together. In a breakpoint I am … Helpless and cold. My heart is squeezing my tears out and my chest is full of silent screams to not wake anyone up or because of my sore throat.

I have the urge to change my body, change my identity, change my country, the people and start all over again. I crave a white background so badly instead of this mess which I hate being in. I’m confused and fearful of things that are considered to be shameful.

Suffocated with fire burning inside I think … Will I be alone forever? Will this suffering ever end? I feel ignorant, frustrated and angry. I cover my mirrors, I avoid the truth. I am surrounded by ignorant people who pull me down instead of up. Even if I was blessed to have wings, where would I go to? To whom? Nowhere, nobody.

I fear the light because I was taught that it is wrong. I stay in the darkness because it is all that I’m used to know. What is it like to love yourself and accept it? Will I ever know? I have trophies, certificates but they make me feel bitter not better. I feel less in ever way.

I feel hate and apathy raising in me and growing like death flowers or evil children. Nothing means anything and nothing makes sense. I can’t I won’t …. Will I? I want to live but I am blind … How can I break free? Will I ever? … I can’t sleep and I don’t know how to go out.

I don’t have any value in my life because I live in a tomb. I never had Yeses in my childhood. It was always No, don’t, slaps, wrong, sit still, study, obey. I grew up in the shadows as expected and said No to all of the chances because failure was no option.

Why won’t you let me be me? Why am I wrong in every way? Why am I me? Why can’t I be let free? Why can’t I escape? Why am I here? Why can’t I choose? Why must I live? Why are these people contradicted? Why am I not worthy to be loved? Will I ever find the solution? Will I ever be lucky to take the journey? …

Maybe it is salivation in the way to numb my stings with a small tickle on my wrists or a gentle rope on my neck and a simple snap. Maybe I can walk it off with a run to the cliff and a jump that will be my first and last attempt to feel alive. I am in a grave anyway and this time food, sleep or redecorating won’t fix it.

“Where am I going? Where have I been?” Always gets to me …
I’m going to bed and I hope that I don’t wake up tomorrow because I have nothing waiting for me … I hope that I go to heaven in the end for going through hell once is enough.

I’m not sorry for everyone whom I have ever disappointed because I know that I can’t live up to your high standards. What doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger and life doesn’t smile back. My lack of things is because of my leak and it is a scar that I have to live with. For all of you who want something from me, I don’t have it.

Secrets for sale

I was walking down the street by the rich ones who sat against the walls calling out for help from the poor. They have all the money but not happiness.

Money is not the boss anymore. Our new trades are happiness doses … Happiness had this smell … It is different from a person to another. Some people can’t even smell it. To me it smells like a mix of my mother’s perfume, baby powder and coffee beans.

My dealer is here selling identities for 2500 doses. I needed a new one because I’m addicted to the adrenaline that comes along with the new life. I’m so curious for every identity comes with its memories and secrets.
Keeping those identities on market helps us all to keep being alive, it’s moral if you ask me.

“Have any more to sell?”
“Yes, I’m almost out. I have the last one for today.”
“How much?”
“This one … You can have it for free. I’m glad to get rid of it! Here!”

Why for free … The identity dealer gets affected by the identities he carries. I’ll see what this is about then I’m going to trade it for happy doses.